After a long night, I would go out into the backyard and look into the pool, into the deep at the bottom, and at the sunlight flickering upon the waves. Then up into the sky, so high, with wisp clouds like fingers stretching out across it. And I would think to myself, "There must be something here, but what is it?" The world seems so chaotic, void, and pointless. But there must be something here. As a boy I liked to read the Bible and go to church. I believed in God as much as anything in the physical universe, and the world to me was a benevolent place, as were the people in it. But now things had changed.

When I got into high school, I started to notice the flaws of the world and of the people around me. People became to me as strange cruel animals. I began to notice the futility of human life. While looking at a history book I realized that human history is a meaningless conglomeration of wars, destruction, greed, plagues, and death. I acquired an acute awareness of human suffering and could see the real despair and sadness of the people around me in spite of the outward image they portrayed. The world became unto me a strange place, an impenetrable facade, the goings-on behind which I could not figure out.

I couldn't stand school. I hated the things my teachers taught because I realized that they couldn't help either themselves or the students escape the vanity and corruption of the world. Instead they purported a kind of parallel world based on numbers, biology, and circumlocutory philosophy that just did not seem to have any bearing on, nor fit my experience of, life. Nobody had any answers or knew what was really going on, myself included.

I also realized that many of the people whom I cared for deeply were destroying their lives and were being destroyed. Immorality, drugs, and all kinds of evils came upon my school and my group of friends like a band of robbers. Many of the things that people were doing and calling "fun" were irrecoverably damaging them. And I was no exception. I also encountered many family problems. During this time I was watching someone whom I loved dearly fight a long and losing battle against a terminal disease. When she died shortly after I graduated, so did something in me. I wondered, "What kind of a world is this?" The destruction and degradation of the world and of all the people in it, myself included, seemed so inescapably strong. I couldn't help friends, family, or even myself, and as I considered all the tragic people and things in the world, I decided that I wanted no part of it. To me even God, who was once my consolation, didn't seem to care. He seemed to be a million miles away watching, silently.

After high school I tried to forget about finding answers or figuring out the world. I decided that all I wanted to do was to have fun. I went to party after party. And although I knew that it was vain, so was everything else. I tried to be content with a vain life of ease. But something within me kept stirring. I had a strong sense that something was calling me, but I could not figure out what or why. I could not escape. Often I would go out at night and the stars would shine so brightly—I felt like they were staring at me, calling me. I would stare up into the sky, and cry out, "What? What do you want?" I felt like I needed to do something but I could not figure out what.

Things went on this way for about three years. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. I got a backpack and a tent, dropped out of college (again), and hit the road. I knew that something was calling me and this was my answering, "Here I am, what do you want?" If there was meaning in the universe I was going to find it. I spent the spring of '94 backpacking and hitchhiking up the northwest coast and ended up in Chicago for the summer. But there was no answer. I didn't find anything. I thought about continuing but the world is a circle—where could I go? After my trip I gave up hope of finding God or anything like that. I figured that there is nothing more to this life than what meets the eye, and that I should just make it here as best as I could. I went home and back to college.

But while I was gone one of my best friends got "saved." He was excited and would often talk to me about Jesus and the church. Because of this, for a few weeks, before going to bed I started to pray regarding Christ. I believed in Jesus but was not sure who He was, so I asked God to show me. Then I was invited by my friend and some of the Christians that he met with to a week-long Bible study.

In that week my life was revolutionized. God answered all my prayers and questions by revealing Himself to me. The first thing I saw was that Jesus is God. He is the coming of God to this earth, God's reaching of man. I realized that God is not millions of miles away just passively watching. He is intent, absolute, and desperate to reach man, so much so that He even became a man. I saw that God is absolutely concerned about man and all the things going on in the world, and He came to this earth to reach, to reveal Himself to, and even to save man.

I also saw that Christ died for my sins. He died to pay for all the sins I ever committed, and for the first time in my life I felt free from so many sins and regrets. The corruption and evil in the world and in myself were so irresistibly strong, but I realized that in Christ's death on the cross, God crucified and destroyed all the evil and evil things in the world. God is victorious over every evil power in the universe and has already overcome them. All I had to do was to receive Him and receive His work and thus share in His victory. Because of this, I could be free from all the evil things in myself and in the world from which I could previously never escape.

Upon seeing all these things that God has done to reach man and seeing His actions to save man, I had the most profound revelation of all. God loved me. I didn't love myself or anyone else. Yet God loved me. In my life I realized that human love was powerless, temporary, and exhaustible. In the end everything dies and to love causes one more pain. But God is love! And God's love is eternal. God's love is stronger than death; it is all-powerful and can never be defeated. It is the most powerful force in the universe, even the reason the universe exists. When I saw that God loves me, and not only me but the whole world, I was astounded and my heart was melted. All I could do was love Him back. All I could do was receive Him. And all I wanted was this God. In Christ I have found salvation, love, joy, peace, hope, meaning, and the fulfillment of everything I longed for and knew was real. He is the answer to all my questions.

P.B., Riverside, CA

To open yourself to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as your life and love, please pray the following prayer:

Lord Jesus, I open my heart to You. Lord, I believe into You as the reality of love. Lord Jesus, I need You. Forgive me of all my failures and sins. Come into me and fill me with Your life and Your love. Lord, I love You. Thank You for saving me.